“Anxiety and I are real homies at this point. Going on a lifetime together. Although, how my anxiety affects me now is a whole different story than it’s ever been before. Growing up I was what you could call the black sheep (still am), and was always hyper aware that I was different. People made it their mission to point it out on top of that. Which also gave me anxiety. Imagine that. Whether it was my body, my skin, my clothes, my makeup, my car, I was pointed out.
So I survived high school hanging on by a thread with a terrible self esteem and thought immediately to go to college because hey high school was “so easy” so what a great idea. Well it was and it wasn’t. I was on a mission to find myself and cure my chaotic overthinking brain. And prove to people I am something. While I didn’t do either of those things I did meet some amazing people, like Jake, who are like me.
While I thought I had it rough before, I ended up pregnant my senior year of college right before I was supposed to enter grad school where I could do something with my life. Now I was the pregnant girl on campus. Great for my anxiety and self esteem. Once again, I’m the one sticking out like a sore thumb.
Now I’ve graduated college and am in my new journey of motherhood. My daughter is about to be 1 and the best things to ever happen to me but I recently hit a low I had never hit before. Im supposed to be happy right? I have a beautiful baby. Postpartum depression knocked on my door with a huge smile and knocked me so far down it was debilitating and scary. I saw no hope or light and felt even more alone than ever. I isolate because I feel like I’m a burden with a crying baby or look like a bad mom. And Ive failed my family because I’m now a single mom too. So In my mind, I can’t do this and everyone would be better off without me. I almost took that very literally.
I’ve now made it my life’s mission to speak up for moms especially new or first time moms. What we go through with our brain chemicals is mind blowing and now throw a baby, sleepless nights, screaming, no showers, and a messy house on top of that. Not only for moms but to speak for people who suffer with anxiety as well. Our brains are busy and chaotic and irrational sometimes, but we deserve love too. We’re so much more than people with anxiety and so much more than just a mom.”