I guess it is only right I start the year off with me. Most of you that have been following me know my story. So Ill save you the past details. What I wanna talk about is the past year. I got a job I am truly blessed and lucky to be apart of with the SD Afterschool Network. I’ve lost 15 pounds when I thought that would never be a possibility. I watched the Movement grow as we hosted numerous events throughout the year. I’ve met some of the most amazing people and have been so lucky to be apart of so many peoples lives. Truly this past year has been nothing but a blessing.
But here I am, still wondering why I feel this way. Here I am still wondering if I will ever be okay. Still wondering how I am gonna wake up and do the thing again tomorrow. Here I am with so many amazing people feeling lonelier than ever.
My problem is I thought if I did things or accomplished things the struggles would go away. They didnt. Thats the thing with this mental stuff. It doesnt go away. I have to wake up everyday and decide to fight it again. I have to wake up everyday and do the things that make it so I am okay. I have to ask myself everyday what its gonna take for me to be okay and to grow. There is no end. Its an everyday decision. Its like a garden. You always have to pull weeds. But if you continue to do it, eventually there is only one or two you have to pull everyday, but you have to do it everyday.
I still struggle a lot. Im constantly drained. I breakdown a lot. I question if Im any better. I wonder what I have done wrong to go through this. But there is one difference between this year and last year.
Now its worth it. Now the fight is worth it. Now everyday I want to get up and try again. I want to see how life will play out for me. I believe in myself and what I can accomplish. So maybe I will always struggle in some sense, but I spent years asking myself if holding on was worth it, and now I know it is.